Episode 113: Navigating the Tween Years: Strategies for Meaningful Connection"

Communication Coach Marcus Aurelius Higgs shares his "Show Up" framework and strategies to help parents maintain a meaningful relationship with their preteen (ages 10-14), including the importance of "you time" and navigating the digital landscape.

Bio: M. Aurelius Higgs

Marcus is a communication coach for parents of preteens (ages 10-14). He helps them show up and maintain a meaningful relationship with their child during these crucial formative years. He works with parents who value doing hard things and want to connect with their tween before it's too late to bridge the gap. 

With a multicultural background himself—born to a Filipino mother and a Bahamian father—Marcus finds particular joy in supporting families communicate across generational and cultural divides. 

His own diverse upbringing, coupled with over decade and a half of international experience across East Asia, Europe, Southeast Asia, the Middle East, and South America, has given him unique insights into cross-cultural communication. Now he's on a mission to globally mend parent-child relationships through effective communication and shared storytelling.

Find More Info Here:   https://marcushiggs.com/ 

https://www.facebook.com/marcusahiggs/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/marcushiggs/

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Transcript

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If you're a parent, teacher or school leader and you're sick and tired of the frustration, anger and unfair treatment of children at high risk in our public schools, then perhaps it's time for all of us to do something about it. In this podcast, Dr amitra Berry brings you tips, tools, strategies and tactics to build successful solutions while touching, moving and inspiring all of us to transform our schools so that every child thrives. Here's your host. Dr Berry, welcome back, equity warriors. Thanks for tuning in to this special episode. My guest today is Marcus Aurelius Higgs, a Communication Coach for parents of pre teens, ages 10 to 14. Marcus helps parents show up and maintain a meaningful relationship with their child during these crucial formative years. He works with parents who value doing hard things and want to connect with their tween before it's too late to bridge the gap with a multicultural background. Himself, born to a Filipino mother and a Bahamian father, Marcus finds particular joy in supporting families, communicating across generational and cultural divides, and we'll hear from Marcus right after this brief message, today's guest discussion is so compelling and in depth that we couldn't fit it all into our regular episode. But don't worry, you can hear the full uncut interview on our Patreon page. To access this expanded content and support our mission of promoting educational equity, follow the link in the show notes and become a patreon subscriber. You'll get exclusive access to this eye opening conversation and much more. And now back to the interview. All right, I am joined by Marcus. Marcus, welcome to the show. Dr Barry, it's wonderful to be here. It's I'm looking forward to this conversation. I am too. I am too. I want to start with your background. You know, in your bio, I said that you are Filipino and Bahamian. Tell us about that as a child growing up where you grow up. Give us a little background about you, Marcus. That's a beautiful intro into it, because my work deals with identity, and that's what we call a third culture kid. And for the audience members who haven't heard of that, it's when your passport doesn't necessarily match the country of your parents or the country where you grew up, because there's so many different variations, and your identity comes from a multicultural background. And, you know, growing up in America. So I have my pro, I have I have my my brown skin, so I'm taking on as black American, but I'm Caribbean American, and then when I'm hanging out with my mother's people, like we did the whole get a whole Filipino get up thing, but we were still, you know, we look different from the other Filipinos, but that's the thing about Filipinos. They were so welcoming. I love that side of my family. And when I speak with other third culture biracial Olympics kids, it it makes or breaks you, and that they're either caught in a flux of, who am I, what is my identity, or whatnot, or it's, oh no, I know who I am, and I'm comfortable being me the intersection of all of this. And that's why my phrase is, there's no greater privilege than to be who you are. I believe you were, and that goes for any and everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you realize that it's like Dolly Parton says, figure out who you are and do that on purpose, especially in my belief system, you're born whole, you're born beautiful, and then we're told stories to fracture ourselves, but rather understand what you are connected to all of this, and then start supporting that. And those that support life will be supported anyhow. That's, that's a whole philosophical thing. But that is, that is, it's cool. It is totally on point. And I hope that everyone who listens to this take something from that, and then, you know, share it. Share it with somebody else. Very much resonates with me. So I didn't mean to interrupt you. It's just that, no, you're all good. You're all good. It's, I would take a because that is, I believe, my life's message because, because how I was born with say, how I was born in my lived experience, I had to navigate spaces where I do look different in the spaces that I enter. And you have to know who you are, because if you don't, you can't live in the stories of other people's heads, and they will doubt you until they don't. So so you're proving yourself. But then you know what? I came to an understanding I will doubt me until I don't, so I have to fill that space with the understanding of who I am and my character. And then, you know what? What will happen? Will happen with whatever they want to think. Because I know I'm there for their benefit, and even if they're not there for mine, it's like, you know what? That's that's on you, man, I gotta keep moving. I. Yeah, sounds just like everybody else growing up in America. Hey, aside, but to connect with that, I grew up in a very diverse community in Northern California. My best, what I shouldn't say my best, in case multiples are listening. But one of my besties from kindergarten all the way up was Filipino. Is she's still alive, Filipino, and she was as welcome in my family as I was in hers. We were like sisters. In fact, sometimes people thought we were, especially in the summertime when she got a little browner, yeah, but just it was just such a wonderful and welcoming community to be a part of, you know, so and growing up with multiple cultures is always a wonderful thing, because you get so much more from the people around you, and you really start to understand how closely connected, I mean, as like through her, that I understood that Filipino aunties were pretty much like black aunties. I mean, yes, they are the same on both sides. So there's so much that we share that we don't recognize, unless we have an opportunity to visit and immerse ourselves in those other cultures. Anyhow, that's a true that's a little connected to my work. But, you know, anyhow, I want to talk about your show up framework. Tell us, okay, yeah. So the show up framework that I came up with, it is I study human development, and that's what it speaks to however, I am a Communication Coach for parents of preteens. There's a specific reason it's Communication Coach, and there's a specific reason it's for preteens. My background is in journalism. After studying journalism, storytelling and so on, poetry is my background. I love words. I was a teacher, an educator. I was a missionary for some time, actually, and I enjoyed the classroom, but sorry, I enjoyed doing my mission work, but then my understanding of the Divine expanded. Wanted to come out of that, but I still loved people, right? They're doing what I did in that regard, teaching back to the show up framework in human development. It starts with a strong identity. That's what the S is. H is hold space for collaboration and critical thinking. That's what we do. We solve problems, and we solve problems together. Always open up communication. The quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your ability to communicate, communicate with yourself and communicate with others. And then w is wonder and explore this world together that is committing to projects long term, making an effort, effort with sustained inquiry, sustained work in a particular area. And then up is unveil your potential, which just means celebrate. We don't celebrate enough, finding joy in the progress, right? Looking at what we've gained, as opposed to the gap. Now I said all of that, that's short framework. I do that with parents specifically, while their kid is not transitioning, but, yeah, transitioning from dependent in the independent during those formative years, so I help them put on their oxygen mask. First, it's personal development for the thing that's most relevant to them, and that is their kid. Yeah, and the reason I have the background work with kids is because I was a high school teacher 12 and nine English language arts, and then for one semester, I taught fifth grade. And it was wonderful, different experience, a very different experience having taught fifth graders. Cool, yeah, high school first, and then went down to the elementary but when I did that, is like, I can't go any lower than than fifth grade. And I actually got sixth graders. And at the beginning of the year, they're like fifth graders, yeah, the end of the year, if you if you have the range just right, you've still got some very well behaved tweens. Teach seventh grade. Seventh grade was my very first teaching assignment. And I said, Never again in a million years, never again. It's when I say child LED or child directed, like we can do what you want to do at this time. And it could be as small as 10 minutes to 15 minutes to 20 minutes. Could be a walk around the block. Could be going out to Julius Orange Julius after the soccer match every week. Just something regulated where they have Orange Julius. Do they? I haven't seen one in years. I don't know. Maybe they're still in the food court. Somebody tell me. But I haven't. I just, I personally haven't seen one, I don't think in about 20 years, but maybe they're still there, all right, whatever it is. And one. That spot in Texas, we'd say going over to Whataburger. The Whataburger or it's a ritual or tradition, right? And what it is, the reason is, again, Dr, Dan Siegel, a lot of my work comes from him, but it's for the child to know that they're seen, they're sued, they're safe, and they're connected. And it's giving you that small, just moment of ritualized connection with your kid. You make time for the things you care about. If you have a romantic partner, you have date night. If you have a spiritual understanding, you you bookend your days with prayer. You know what I mean? And it's, it's letting your kid know I'm worthy of your attention. And then when stuff arises for your kid, sometimes they'll speak to you, sometimes they won't. They are gonna, well, they are gonna cocoon, and because they're seeking their independence as well as they're gonna go out into the world without you and without your guidance. But then that you time. If you set it up, right, it gives them a space that they know, okay, if I need to say something, there's a window to say it. It's not as if I'm never without this window. And plus, that window communicates that. It communicates, yeah, I do care about you. You just said something about connecting with people outside of technology. Are you hearing when you do your workshops? Are you hearing from parents that my perception is that our kids don't know how to make friends outside of a digital space anymore? I mean, you know, I don't know about you, when I was a kid, it was pretty much, you know, go get out, go outside, go play. Don't come back in. When the street lights come on your butt, better be on the front porch. That was, you know, that was the rule in my house, and my friends pretty much all had the same rule. You know, it's funny, I can talk to people who grew up on the other side of the country, and the rule, you know, at least for black folks, the rule was the same when the street lights came on, you better be on that front porch. Yeah, but kids now, and I know I even had to, I had to almost, well, I just mandated with my children summertime, especially, you're not going to sit inside watch TV all day or play video games. That was when Nintendo first came out, and it's like no school. Normally goes from 820 to 310, so at 820 you're going to be outside playing. At 10 o'clock, you get to come in and use the bathroom. That's recess, and you'll get your staff and you're back outside until lunchtime. But it forced them into going out and making other friends and finding things to do beyond technology. Is that still, do you see that still as maybe a challenge for parents that you work with. I see it as a challenge that we've we're already measuring. I see it like, like smoking and let me, let me make this metaphor like it's it's killing us, but we weren't. We're not aware of it until after the effects of it. And I'll break it down like this, the loneliness epidemic that we see, I think, stems not I thinks, I wish, I wish I could point you to the study. Yeah, it was inside the anxious generation. In order for oxytocin to be released, that's one of the feel goods. You have, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, right? For oxytocin, you need physical touch, and you need eye to eye contact. You can only have that done when it's in person. That's one layer. Another layer is we are the stories we tell ourselves. And when we're immersed inside these YouTube videos, inside streams and stories on on our phone, one we're not introspective, so we don't know who we are, but we're forming our identity on the other side of a screen. And when you're doing that, when that screen closes, question is, who are you? And you're not able to deal with the stressors of life that naturally come. I'm noticing with Gen Z and alpha. Yeah, they don't know how to interact. And this is not an old man waving my fist, but it's it's the truth. They don't know how to inter they feel anxious off of stress that is naturally there of interacting with other people in the philosophy that I got by approach life stoicism. I do practice stoicism. It's understanding that I am the safe space, and I know this is age and wisdom talking, because I had to go through stuff in order to get here. But we need to teach them that at a younger age, and the way they can do that is by scaffolding. That's teacher talk, just for understanding where they are, and supporting them where they are, with what they're trying to get, and opening up the lesson little by little. Yeah, yeah, cool. I love the analogy to smoking. I'm going to steal that. I hope you don't mind, it's yours. It's on the ether, I don't know, but the stuff that we take on, yeah, rather than stealing. I'll just adopt it, put it in your pocket. It's all good. It's a father and the basketball group, or it's it with other parents who trust, right? Because Doctor Duckworth, Angela Duckworth, says you only need one psychologically wise adult inside a kid's life, and maybe you are not skilled inside that area, but it has to be another adult in their life. Could be a coach, could be a teacher, you know, someone that that kid trusts to open up to, and maybe you won't vibe with everything, but you know that you trust them with having that conversation with your kid. So yeah, so there's probably a lot of broad application, even beyond parenting. I can see some value for teachers understanding this content, especially those of you who teach middle school, you know that, yeah, that wonderful, wonderful age group that I would rather not touch with a 10 foot pole. You know, I always say, you know, that's like I could never do kindergarten. I always said, I love kindergarten. I think they're adorable. I but I can't carry a tune in a paper sack, so you don't want to hear me sing. And I really preferred for my students to understand that when they needed to go to the bathroom, to raise their hand and ask to go and not wait until they were doing the potty dance. Hats off to hats off to Kinder teachers, first grade teachers, and I've worked with all these grades as you know, as a coach going into those classrooms, so I know where I do and don't belong. I know what my skill set is. Loved my sixth graders, yeah, loved my seventh graders a little bit less. And then I absolutely love teaching 11th and 12th graders. So it's just that, you know, seven to 10, that that grade range, right there? 789, yeah, yeah. That's just, it's just not my lane. But you know what? There is a special person for each grade group. I know people who have taught kindergarten loved it and said, You know what? Say to me, I don't know how you teach those big kids. Well, I don't know how you teach those little ones. So there is, there is a space I want to, you know, it's like, I don't want anybody to hate, you know, like middle school teachers. Know, I have tremendous respect for you, tremendous respect, because it is not something I would ever do again. You know that? You know what it is. I think, first of all, those are the awkward ages. Yeah, and I say it's awkward if you make it. Because I, I, I do not. I'm right with you. I do not. I prefer, rather, not to do seven and eight, because I love to have conversations about you. That's why I loved 12 and 11 and and they're coming right up on the cusp of that, oh, something's expected of me, like, who am I? And not that they're shaking in their boots because they could still be rude, but it's water off my back, because I don't take it personal, right? I don't take it personal. And then at sixth grade, again, that's where that transition is. But they start to get goofy at in seven and eight, and I'm just like, dude, especially the boys. Girls are catty and the boys are just strange. It's but it is. It is it is normal childhood development. And I think when we when we understand that is it is normal for girls to be cat we may not like it. It's not pretty, and they do grow out of it, but girls are just catty starting around fifth grade, usually goes away. Eighth, ninth grade, and boys are just playing goofy and awkward starting around sixth grade, definitely seventh, eighth and ninth grade. And it doesn't matter what, what city, state, country you're in, that's how we know that that is, it's normal, it's there. So, so what leads to that awkwardness? And I love this metaphor. If you ever look at a seventh grade, you see some have had their growth spurt. Some of them haven't. They're they're like young adults there. And then there's this kid who still looks like he's in fifth grade or something. Yeah? So they look like, they look like gears and gears that aren't lined up yet. So it's a machine that's just all wonky, and the gears are scratching against each other. They're shifting friends. They're some have come into understanding of their body. Some haven't. Yeah, it is, yeah, awkward all around the globe, beautiful but awkward. I'll leave it at that. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not even to go there. I want to get to a deep, sort of deep wrap everything we do, you do, I do. We do this because, or I'm assuming we both do this because there are things that we know need work right. When I sign off on the show, I paraphrase Angela Davis, dr, Angela Davis, who I always say, is one of my sheroes. And she said, I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept. Accept. I know for me, there are many things that I cannot accept about public education. So for you and what you do, what is that thing that you cannot accept? We know what you're doing. Today's guest discussion is so compelling and in depth that we couldn't fit it all into our regular episode. But don't worry, you can hear the full uncut interview on our Patreon page to access this expanded content and support our mission of promoting educational equity. Follow the link in the show notes and become a patreon subscriber. You'll get exclusive access to this eye opening conversation and much more. And now back to the interview to facilitate change. But what can other people do to help facilitate change in that regard. You know the thing that came to mind right when you were saying that is understanding the dignity of another person. I'll say it in a very global sense, and then I'll say it in a very individual sense. When, when the colonizers went down to Southeast Asia and Africa, they would see these people, these swats of people, and say they have no virtues and they have no values. Right virtues and values are with all humans. Virtues are what we're doing for the well being of the community, what we're doing for the well being of ourselves. That's virtues in action via you can look it up, and then there's values. Just means what's important to you? Some people, it's family. Some people it's finance. You know, people have different values, but when you can look at somebody and understand they have virtues and values, they're having a shared human experience. Hold them in their dignity. There will be things that you don't agree with them on, and I promise you, then that's where the rub is. That's where we get to understand who we are, but we can still be dignified and disagree absolutely and and, you know, I I try not to say there are things that I won't accept, because I understand I have to accept it for what it is in order to work with it, and I get the quote, I understand it, but if there's something that I would like to not accept, it is people who do not see other people in their dignity, love that love that just want people to hear that and let it sort of sink in. How can people reach you? We'll get your contact information down in the notes, but I want you to tell folks. How do they find you? Social media, you know, books, what tell us. Where do we where do we find you? Marcus Aurelius, all right, can you hear me? Marcus higgs.com, that's where I am, okay? And I hang out on LinkedIn. You'll see me post there and do my workshops in public as then I refine them to bring them onto the platform. But I'm not so much on other media. You will find me there. I usually don't accept people unless I I've spoken with them directly, but I understand, yeah, but Marcus higgs.com, that's where you'll find me, or on LinkedIn, and I will connect with you on LinkedIn. And so the people who follow me might be a little bit easier for them to follow you. So Marcus Aurelius Higgs, I want to thank you for joining me today. I have loved this conversation. I would say this is going to sound a little weird. I almost wish I had kids again so I could try all this stuff with them, but I'm really too close to the end to start that stuff over again. Yeah, and our other two children have promised us there will be no more grandkids, so we've got the one, the seven, almost 17. We're done with that stage, done with it. You know they Well, I can tell you, after the Shut up, but the happiest time of people's lives. Do you know when it is? When's that when the kids leave home, it's at that emptiness stage where they're gone. You still have enough of your health and vitality. You have enough disposable income to do what you got to do, make your mark, and that's when you're happiest. You start leaning into you. You know, we we always tell our kids, our adult children, no offense, we are so glad that you guys are gone and that you don't live anywhere near us and don't try and come back home. Equity warriors, whether you're a parent or not, I want you to think of a parent, a grandparent, a caregiver, maybe a grandchild or niece or nephew, anyone that you know who has or is caring for tweens, and then I want you to share this episode with them. I always say, share the knowledge. Don't keep it to yourself. It's too important. And then join me again next week. We'll be back to our next topic related to project 2025, taking that deep dive. So don't miss it. And if you've got a question, a topic, a request, something that you'd like to have answered, or if you know someone else who needs to be on the show, text me that link is down in the notes as well. And as always, don't worry about the things you cannot change. Change the things that maybe you're not willing to accept. Paraphrase just a little bit. I'll see you next time, and that's a wrap for today's episode of the three. Podcast now here's how you can make a real difference. First, smash that subscribe button. It's free. It's easy, just do it. Second, share the show with anyone you know who cares about education. And third, consider becoming a supporter of the show. Together, we're not just talking about change, we're making it happen. Make a donation today to be part of that mission and change and I'll catch you next time.